Friday, April 07, 2006

Edited paragraph..run on sentence cured

The ship, heavily laden with artilllery, armor, and human cargo tossed about in the storm whipped channel. In the pilot house, Jack thought for an instant that this seemed somehow different. Mine sweepers had cleared the channel, but the waves now threatened.Scrubbed clean each tedious day while moored in Portsmouth, the deck was now awash with seawater. Each invasion brought with it new horrors, and as the low slow target motored in the flotilla, the soldiers on deck were subjected to the wretched lunges of 344. Remnants of many last good meals mixed with seaweed, cellophane, oil and countless boots that longed for the sand of Normandy- anything to get this over with.

The Captain stood aft in his cabin. His orders were clear, and he had delivered them to his men. Jack was responsible for carrying them out now. Until the ship was safe, he preferred to stay below decks. In the eyes of his men a yellow streak ran directly down his back. They all remembered Anzio- when that yellow ran out onto the pilot house floor. And they remembered what happened when they laughed.

6 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

Good opening to a story (will it be a story?). One thing: this: "Scrubbed clean each tedious day moored in Portsmouth the deck was now awash with seawater." Run-on sentence, anyone? :P

10:24 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Yay :)

6:03 AM  
Blogger Mr. Kyle said...

Thou art skilled in the mastery of the introduction.

Shall thy mind venture further?

7:55 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

at the risk of inspiring another "WOMEN!!?!?!??!??!!!!" post... 'long time no post!'

5:17 PM  
Blogger Mr. Kyle said...

Laura! Don't poke the bear!

>.>;; <.<;;

3:23 AM  
Blogger Mr. Kyle said...

I as sick today. So I re-read your blog. ^^;;

9:54 AM  

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